I am majorly attracted to B & T.  Yes, this is a confession… I feel so ridiculous.  I have more of an attraction to B though.  He is tall, really nice… has a lot of the same interests as me & he’s just a great guy.  I wish my heart didn’t sway so easily.  It’s probably because I’m not in the word of God as much as I should be.  Lord, help me to stay focused on You and help me to fall more and more in love with you.  I hate getting my heart involved into a relationship and then getting caught up.  I also know he’s someone that C really seems to like and find attractive and I don’t want to make her mad at me… I don’t know what makes me attracted to him… Well, I guess I do.  He’s tall, attractive, mysterious, friendly, fun, nice, has light colored eyes, loves Jesus, he friends with one of my really good friends… but yeah, J shouldn’t have sewn the idea about marriage into my head.  Ughhh… that’s what makes this kind of hard.  Lord, I release this all to you, and I’m totally okay… or atleast I need to be with the fact that we are only friends, and nothing more.  Nothing more.  Lord, guard my heart. 

I just need encouragement from You Lord.  Bring people in my path that will be able to encourage me and also I encourage them.  I’m so scared to take this train ride.  God, please help to give me peace.  No fear no fear no fear.

I feel like such a failure.  I’m super tired and cranky.  Tomorrow… but I guess I could say today, I’m leaving for North Dakota to live with my friend and her parents.  I’m extremely scared to leave my mom and just my familiar place.  I’m absolutely frightened.  I really hope I feel welcomed and comfortable at her place.  I can be so mean to my mom.  I hate waiting until last minute and procrastinating things, but I feel like that’s all I ever do.  I really want all of that to change.  I really want to change. 

I’m also really terrified of the fact that I don’t know whether or not I’m going back to IWU this next year.  I want to be confident in You Lord, but sometimes it’s just so extremely hard to trust in You.  I have been able to do things, and cope with things on my own for most of my life & so it gets really hard to just simply lay it down.  I’m so “good” at figuring things out on my own and worrying about things.  I’m so wishy washy and I feel like I’m being judged by people, like their expectations of me are the fact that I’m supposed to be at this certain place with my walk with Christ, which in reality I am supposed to be at a certain place, because of the fact that I’m supposed to be a leader at IWU.  God, I need You more now than I’ve ever needed You.  

  Sometimes I can be so extremely selfish, mean, hateful, and angry.  I have such a seemingly deep root of anger that is in my heart.  I don’t know what to do a lot of times when I get angry.  It’s never really at anyone but my family, mostly my mom.  I have no excuse to be angry at her… She does so much for me.  She’s such a great person, but there’s something in my heart that obviously needs to be healed.  I’m so frustrated.  I don’t like where my life is right now.  I feel like it’s just a huge mountain that is never-ending.  I want with everything that’s in me to get past it.  I want the Lord, so much.  At the same time I carry such a self-hatred against myself.  V said the fact that I carry self hatred against myself, was a sign that when you go deeper into the issues of your heart, that you ultimately are hating God.  Which is unbelievable.  I don’t feel like I hate God, I just feel like I hate myself.  I don’t understand this in a lot of ways?  Why do I get this feeling in my heart?  Please help me Lord.  I need Your help.  I need Your help with finances, my relationship with my mom, my friends…  Just everything.  I need You to be my strength, even when I run away from You.  I’m so broken and I’m hurting so much.  Please please please please help me.

Your Beloved Daughter

I’m watching way too much OTH and it’s making me want to be in love and be in a relationship.  I’m filling myself with all the wrong things and it’s probably going to leave me empty and void… but it brings me comfort and I’m obviously selfish.  I desire comfort so much, because I have never ever in my life felt comfortable, so I find things to try to make me feel that way.  I want the Lord to redeem my mindset. 

I’m kind of scared to go to North Dakota.  I’m excited, but really afraid.  I can do this.  I can go on an adventure and I will be safe.  I will be protected by the Lord and He will care for me.

Sometimes I wish I had another life or another family.  I know that is completely selfish of me in every single way possible, but I don’t know what else to say.  I want to learn, and I want to understand why things are the way they are, but I just don’t.  I’m conflicted in my heart.  I feel like I’m being torn multiple ways and I don’t know how to fight back… I want to grow and I want to change.  There’s a part of me that wants the pain to go away, but then there is a part of me that is so used to feeling the pain and the heart of a broken and dissapointed heart.  Yes, I guess I could say that I am dissapointed in God.  I shouldn’t be.  I am ultimately am dissapointed in myself which probably means that somewhere deep in the seemingly unseen places of my heart there is the place that I am ultimately dissapointed with God.  Which I shouldn’t be.  I feel so lazy sometimes and all I want to do is sleep my life away.  It gets so bad sometimes.  I’m writing on this blog because I don’t want people to be able to read this.  This blog is dedicated to me and God.  I always feel like people are going to go back one day and be able to read the personal thoughts in my journal.  It shouldn’t be a huge deal, but it is.  It almost feels like some legacy that I’m leaving behind for my kids to read, and my children’s children that will read it.  I think I really got insecure and afraid about it when my grandpa died.  Everyone was getting conflicted and upset about who was going to be able to get and also read his journal’s.  Probably some of his most personal and prized posesions.  Even now, writing in this blog/journal feels so much better by the minute, because it’s only me and God that know and I want to keep it this way.  It’s so freeing to be able to write something that you feel like no one else will read, atleast I hope no one else is going to be or even desire to read, but if you do read it, atleast I don’t know you in person, but maybe we will meet someday, in eternity.